There are many things that don’t make sense to me. Last week, because I was recovering from being sick, I swayed between wanting to buy everything and wanting to eat everything.
I ended up buying a stupid amount of magazines for a stupidly expensive price as a form of escapism. Not only was it an escape from feeling crappy, but it was also an escape from my money… clearly.
I went home and in one of the magazines, a thick home decorating tome with shiny pages and ads, I discovered that you can buy candles for $400.
That doesn’t make sense.
What the hell is this candle made out of that it warrants being $400?? Does it sing sweet siren songs to you while you fall asleep? Does it give you a massage? Is it more than just a wick in a waxy pile of… wax? Does it light up the heavens and ward off devils and Jehovas Witnesses? Did a priest holify it?
When you’re lying in the bath, enjoying the illumination from a $400 candle, does a beautiful handservant suddenly appear and sit next to you, washing your hair, while listening to your problems?
Did they have to individually milk each bee for the wax? Softly and lovingly extracting the waxy goodness from the bee’s udder?
What magical ingredient justifies it being this price? Is there unicorn blood in it? Do you get three wishes?
No, you fool.
You burn it. Instead of spending $400 on a nice, relaxing massage or one of many bills or to fix your car, you set it on fire.
That’s $400, up in smoke.
“No!” I can hear someone yelling. “You’re not supposed to use it! It’s for display. To look pretty.”
For $400, couldn’t you go to an art gallery and buy a nice piece of art that will look not only nicer and might just be a better investment, but also won’t be thrown out when you’re dead because the kids think the weird misshapen thing smells like mothballs and looks like a dead mouse?
It doesn’t make sense. But that’s okay, because here’s…
10 better things to waste your money on that makes more sense:
1. Buy a $1 candle and use it to burn $399. Which is a problem when it comes to the coins… so buy a smelting machine for $399 and burn $1. Also I don’t know how effectively plastic money burns, so buy a shredder for $395 and shred $5. Feel free to be creative and play around with these options. The world is your oyster.
2. Buy an artwork and then set it on fire. Dance around the fire.
3. Spend $400 as a down payment on a mail order bride/husband. Cry every night over a photo of a model – any model – when you discover that your mail order bride/husband doesn’t exist. Stroke the photo.
4. Use the $400 to hire an undercover police officer as a hitman.
5. Spend $400 on a concert ticket, then when it’s on, spend all night streaming it from your livingroom.
6. Buy into a pyramid scheme. It doesn’t matter which one – any will do. Google is your friend.
7. Bribe a liar.
8. Place a bet on a lame horse. The lamer the better. See if you can organise to have the horse shot before the first race.
9. Buy the crappiest second hand car you can find. Set it on fire. Dance around the fire.
10. Send $400 as down payment to the rich Nigerian banker who wants to give you $50,000,000,000 but can’t get the money transferred to you without paying fees. See if he also has a mail order bride/husband to offer. Clutch the photo of the model hopefully. Maybe this time…
11. Spend the money on an armless eunich prostitute.
13. Buy a vegetarian $400 worth of meat. Hold a barbeque for them and invite all their vegetarian friends.
14. Buy a $400 candle and then change your name to Fabio Funkenmeister Le Grand and declare yourself Decorator Extraordinaire. Throw paint at a wall, sticky tape extension cords to it along with clumps of your cats hair and call it art. If you don’t have a cat, borrow your neighbour’s and shave it. Save some hair and glue it to the photo if the model. Make sure the cat isn’t still attached. Voila! You are now Arty and Temperamental.
Feature image of candle from Wikimedia.